Back Back, Forth and Forth

Around this time of the year I tend to get really introspective (more so than usual as reflection is seemingly a constant state of being for me). In all honesty, my mental life audit happens around mid to late June onwards but let’s not nit-pick over semantics.

My birthday is fast approaching and is part of the reason I am writing 13 posts in 13 days. Partially to prove to myself that I can do it and also as a fun countdown to the big day. The closer I get to date, the more I think about everything I have achieved over the past year and in the years since my birth!

I know that sounds a little intense but it’s true. And I don’t think I’m the only one. A number of my friends go through a similar process and I believe it is the reason why many people suffer from ‘birthday blues’.

I admit, I can be pretty hard on myself sometimes but only because I have high expectations and even bigger dreams and sadly, they are not going to manifest without a lot of hard work. [Real] success isn’t inherited (unfortunately for me).

One day I will be left with my parent’s physical awards and trophies, but the accolades and praises will never truly belong to me. I am and have always been aware of this and it is yet another thing that fuels my passion to create a legacy my family can be proud of.

I almost got the birthday blues. Actually I did get them. If you read my blog regularly (or if you recently binge read it), you’ll notice that in January I created a 30 Things To Achieve Before Turning 30 list.

2 months ago I realised that there were a few big and not so big things left to complete on the list. It started to panic me and then I fell into a downward spiral of blaming and shaming myself. I extended this courtesy past the list and to my life in general until one evening I just decided to stop.

I had an “ah ha” moment and wondered why I was so mad at myself? In the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty awesome. I don’t say that to boast or impress you, I am nowhere near where I want to be but the important thing is, I’m still here. I’m still striving.

I shared this to impress on you that despite the set-backs, disappointments, tears, turmoil, heartbreak, fear, anger and delays, it is possible to find many things…or at the very least, one that, that you can be proud about.

When I complain of my lack of achievement, I am doing a disservice to myself and to God. Being booked to perform internationally, travelling, going to gigs, shows, plays, meeting up with friends and generally enjoying my life, oftentimes in new and wonderful ways – all of these are things from my list and I accomplished them. That in itself is a gift. So I cut myself some slack.

I was going to use the following quote for this post “the only time you should ever look back is to see how far you’ve come” but I don’t know if I ascribe to it in it’s entirety. My addition to it would be; look back to see who you left behind and if you can help them along. Look back and learn from your mistakes. Look back to remind you of the dream or to help you to shape a new one. And when you’re done looking back, make peace with the past and then face forwards.

There are enough people in the world trying to ruin your peace, don’t help them by being the architect of your own misery. From my over-analytical mind to [potentially] yours, *spoiler alert* no one makes it out of here alive so LIVE A LITTLE!